A Family's Journey Through Mental Illness and Addiction
Introduction: A Family's Tragic Legacy
On January 30th, 1956, my grandfather, Alec Paterson, walked to the small cottage across the yard from his house to ask 'Nan', the retired nanny of his children, to sign a holographic will. He returned to his home and shot himself. This tragedy left a wound in our family that still has not entirely healed. By sharing my family's story, I hope to offer you some insight and hope for yours. My colleagues from Dunham House will also add their professional views as we progress.
The Ripple Effect of Mental Illness and Addiction
Mental illnesses and the addictions that are so often connected with them are not solitary issues that affect only the individual. Because mental illnesses are expressed in behavior, they affect families and friends as well. Mental illnesses also do not have a clearly understood cause. Consequently, people with mental illness are often seen by their families as people who have failed in some moral sense. The resulting feelings of blame and shame make it hard to seek help.
Breaking the Cycle of Blame and Shame
In researching for a book about my family, I discovered that the simple story that everyone told after Alec’s death of my "evil and weak" granny, driving her "noble" husband to his death, was not true. It was an easy story to tell other people, but it was only part of the answer for why he killed himself. As I learned more about what really happened, I saw a more complex situation. I saw, for the first time, Alec’s role in Anna’s illness. This new story of a mutual interaction swept away the moral issues and the blame. This more balanced story has brought with it feelings of compassion and understanding that are helping the current members of my family cope with the mental illness that afflicts us even today.
Coping is an important idea here. There is no "cure" for most mental illnesses, but we can find ways of living with them so that they do not destroy us.
The Barrier of Shame in Mental Illness and Addiction
"If only mummy could pull herself together, stop drinking and acting out?" Every child of a person with mental illness and addictions has spoken words like these. Every child of such a person is embarrassed by that parent. Here lies a central problem: shame. The primary barrier to seeking help is often shame. For mental illness is often seen as a moral failing. Rather than having a discussion that may help illuminate the underlying issues, the default reaction towards a loved one with mental illness is often blame, making everything worse.
This is what happened with my grandparents. Anna was seen as a bad person who, in effect, killed my grandfather. After Alec’s death, my father and my uncle shunned her, and their reaction opened up a terrible breach between Anna’s family and the Patersons. Everyone lost.
What they did not see was that Anna’s failure was not her character but her inability to cope with an event. The event that started her downward spiral was the disgrace of her father, Percy Cowans, a self-made man who had been the wealthiest person in Canada. Overnight, he went from being a hero to being a social leper. Granny lost her position, her identity, and his protection. At the same time, Alec also went bust. They had to sell their house and move to the summer cottage. They were so poor that Alec's uncle would buy the boys their winter coats, and Nan, my father's nanny, was not paid for eight years.
Anna was devastated by these changes to her social status. Her entire sense of identity and how the world worked had been destroyed. In her distress, Anna reached out to Alec. But he could not listen, for his heart was frozen. In WWI, Alec had been in action in France for nearly four years. He had lost all his friends and many cousins. To survive, Alec had closed down his heart and his emotions. He could not hear Anna. Nor could he dare discuss how his experience in the war had affected him with her or anyone else.
In the 1920s and 1930s, "real men" shared nothing. As time went by, the walls around Alec's heart grew ever higher and more brittle. His only escape from his demons, and Anna's, was to join up again on the day that war was declared in 1939. Anna attempted suicide when he signed up, but he went anyway. Back in uniform, overseas, surrounded by other soldiers, Alec felt safe in the only world that was real for him. But for Anna, her isolation was now absolute.
If in the 1930s, Anna had been able to discuss her pain and fears with Alec, she may have recovered. Her father's fall might have just been a bad event to be overcome rather than a trigger for an eventual collapse of mental health. Four years of isolation with Alec overseas, her children in boarding school or relatives' care tipped Anna into a dark pit from which she could never return.
Suffering trauma does not mean that a person will inevitably become mentally ill. Many people suffer a loss of identity, as Anna did, and find a way of coming back. But to have no outlet for your feelings, or worse, to be rejected as a weak person, is to set you up for more stress. Similarly, as for Alec, many men can cope with having long-term battle stress and loss. But again, having no outlet means that these feelings get suppressed and so are given power. A power that ultimately can overwhelm.
The irony is that as family members, we may not be the right people to listen anyway. Anna could never have understood what Alec had gone through. Nor could he, a member of a longstanding family, and so more secure in his social position, understand what the loss of Percy's status might mean to Anna.
These are the situations where a place and a community, such as Dunham House, come into play. There you can talk with people, and you can live in a community that will not judge you. You can find a safe place where you can reveal your deepest fears, where you can be yourself. You can have a chance to learn how to cope and so make your life back in the wider world and with your family.
The Importance of Love and Acceptance in Coping with Mental Illness
The worst pain that arises from mental illness comes, I think, from judgment. I have found that if judgment can be replaced by love and acceptance, living a good life with mental illness can be possible. How do I know this now?
When I first learned more about how the war had affected Alec, I thought that I had solved my family secret. I had undoubtedly taken Anna out of the role as the 'villain.' But as I went deeper, I discovered a new question. Why did other members of my extended family, outside of Alec and Anna's direct descendants, often have the same bipolar disorder? Was there an earlier family link to a common trauma? Looking back into my family history, I discovered a new starting point, Alec's mother.
One day, as a child, Granny Paterson woke up to find that her mother and her two younger siblings had disappeared. Not only had they gone, but so had their photographs. She was told never to mention her mother's name. That night, she left her family home and was brought up in her grandmother's house. It was as if her mother and her sisters had never existed. But of course, they had.
This was the Victorian era. Granny P's mother, known as Nina, had had a long-term affair with another man. Granny P's father was an alcoholic. Nina's lover was his best friend. Isolated by his drinking from their friend and husband, both found comfort and then love in the other. They also had two illegitimate children that Nina passed off as her husband's. Finally, Nina could not bear living a lie, and she eloped. In those days, such a thing was scandalous. The arrangement forced upon her by her father was to take her lover's children to live with him in Winnipeg, never see or contact her first-born and never return to Montreal.
Death is tragic but can be understood. What child could understand what had happened to Granny P? Maybe the only way she might understand was to imagine that somehow all of this had been her fault?
As a young woman, Granny P was able to cope for a while. She had a few manic episodes in her youth and sometimes the occasional black moment. But as the years passed, her manic periods became more extreme, and her black periods became more profound and protracted. Eventually, the black periods took over. For the last years of her life, she was looked after by her two daughters, Alec's sisters.
Since this event, some individuals in every generation of my family with direct descent from Granny P have suffered from a bipolar disorder that also became more extreme as they grew older. Until we saw and understood this pattern, each family member who had bipolar created havoc for themselves and their loved ones.
Now we see this pattern; it has become less traumatic for all concerned. For, while this story about how bipolar started in our family is not scientific, it has given us all a sense of understanding. With this understanding of its origin and its ability to pass on through the generations, came love and compassion for all concerned. Blame and shame have been banished. There is no judgment for the inevitable lapses in behavior that can easily lead to an irretrievable breach. There is always a loving ear to listen to what is going on. It is now normal to seek help.
The Need for Respite and Support for Caregivers
There is no experience more grueling than constant combat. People are different, but there is a limit to how long you can be in action before you start to disintegrate. In the first two years of WWI, this was not well understood. In 1914, the British Army, at its full size, was 250,000 men. This force of regular soldiers had been almost wiped out by the end of 1914. They were replaced by Territorial Army soldiers and a flood of volunteers. By the end of 1915, many of them were also dead or broken. The evidence that no man could cope without a break forced the Army to change how they managed their troops. The key change was regular rotation in and out of the line.
The same lessons can be applied to families dealing with a mentally ill family member. Family members may be loving and kind, but without some respite, they can easily lose their ability to cope. No one person can carry the burden indefinitely.
The solution is respite care, which has to be part of a long-term plan to keep everyone on an even keel. This is where a place like Dunham House can be invaluable. It provides a temporary safe space for the person with the illness and allows their caregivers a break to recharge and maintain their own mental health. In turn, this balance of care helps prevent burnout and keeps families functioning in a loving and supportive manner.
Community As the Key to Long-Term Relief
If Alec had PTSD today, a doctor could prescribe medication that might help in the short term. But, to find long-term relief, he would have to find a place in a community of peers. Peers who had shared his experience and who shared his culture.
If Anna had not been so ashamed, she might have been able to reach out to a sister or a girlfriend. But her shame held her back, leaving only Alec, who could not help her. Had there been such a place as Dunham House, she might have found people who could have heard her. Even better, she might have been able to help others.
Dunham House is the only residential treatment centre in Quebec that focuses on the Anglophone Community. Why is that important? A language is not merely a language; it is the embodiment of a unique way of thinking about yourself and the world. Language is the code for culture and a common culture is essential for finding peers. For someone struggling with mental health and addiction issues, a different language setting makes the vital social connection between peers all but impossible.
Conclusion: A Journey Towards Healing and Understanding
Understanding mental illness and addiction as complex and multifaceted issues is the first step towards healing. Compassion and acceptance, rather than judgment and shame, pave the way for families to cope with the challenges they face. By seeking help and support from places like Dunham House, both individuals and their families can find the strength to navigate their journeys together.
If you or a loved one are struggling with mental illness or addiction, don't hesitate to reach out to Dunham House for support and guidance. Our compassionate and professional team is here to help you every step of the way.